EducationThe Gift of Understanding

Craig Toonder, MFT. Oakland Couples Counseling

The Gift of Understanding

I am pleased to announce that my article “The Gift of Understanding” has been published by

The article discusses a common dynamic between couples when they argue where they both rehash the same point over and over again, trying to get their partner to understand their point of view, but too upset to understand their partner’s point of view.┬áThe article then discusses a three step techniques to help couples shift for this adversarial role of needing to get the other to “understand me,” to one of “mutual understanding.” The three step are:

Step One: Awareness of the Pattern. Awareness is such a key element to change. If you don’t know where you are, how can you no how to get to where you want to be. The article offers helpful tips on how to build this awareness.

Step Two: Naming the Pattern. I often call this the “Rumpelstiltskin Effect.” If you can name the pattern, the pattern can’t take your relationship away. The article discusses how to use this to create the shift form fighting towards mutuality.

Step Three: Moving Towards Mutual Understanding. This is the key feature of the article. The article gives advise on how to approach each other in a new way to create not only mutual understanding of each other, but a deeper understanding of what is not being shared in the heat of the battle. Uncovering these things, leads the couple back to intimacy.


To read the article, please visit self at the web address listed below.



Craig Toonder, MFT